The Bonanza Bros Show
by LuigiMario64
Summary: The Bros. and their friends on crazy hijinks involving RC Cola, Ronson Comets, and other products of Real Life.
1. Bonanza Beginnings

Mobo pulled out an RC Cola can and threw it on the road. It spun around and spewed soda all over him and some cars, but it was well worth it. Robo walked up to his wet and sticky brother. "Well, what have _you_ been up to?" questioned the tall thief in red. "Just doing something awesome." Mobo responded.

Robo shrugged and walked down the street. A big Purple Bomber was there, drinking some Pepsi and chatting with a stout red cop.

"Y'know, I like the taste of Nutella on my toast in tha mornin'….it's pretty good. You should try it." The Bomber said. The red cop scratched his nose. "I'm allergic to Nutella, man." The red one explained. "Oh. Well, do ya like concord jelly?" Purple asked. Red shook his head no. He **hated** jelly because it gave him the craps, but that would be too embarrassing to tell the Purple dude.

Robo overheard this and rushed to the local Brookshire's and robbed a couple jars of Nutella. Thankfully, the blue cop cashiers were playing Puyo Puyo on their Game Gears.

Robo headed towards Mobo while he was still slinging RC Cola cans on the ground and getting himself and the cars even more wet and sticky. "Hey! I got us some Nutella! Wanna come home and have us some toast?" Robo offered. Mobo said, "Heck yes." And ran like the wind (Bullseye!) to their house on the edge of town.

Back at home, Robo revved up the toaster, ready for some toast with Nutella. Mobo was waiting at the table patiently, his stomach growling like a ferocious cougar suffering a famine. "Oh dear GOD HELP ME! I'm HUNGRYYYYYY!" yelped Mobo as he fell out of his chair grasping his stomach. Robo panicked, and he banged on the toaster to toast the toast for his poor starving brother. "COME ON, YOU DAMN DIRTY-"

The toast popped out. "Mother of GOD! FINALLY!" said Robo, annoyed at the toaster's slow work of toasting the bread. He pulled out the toast and put it on a plate and spread globs of brown Nutella on them. He set the plate next to Mobo's head.

"Come on, brotha, eat! Eat, don't die on me, brotha!" Robo said, about to sob, when Mobo got up and crammed two toast pieces down his pie hole.

"YUMMMMMYYYYYY INNNNN MYYYY TUMMMYYYY!" Mobo cooed. Robo was _delighted,_ and he hugged his little brother tightly and warmly. "Oh brotha, you're okay!" exclaimed Robo as he smooched Mobo.

"Awwwww….thankies." blushed Mobo, and they exchanged hugs.


	2. Of Bros and Burritos

Mobo trotted up to the local Exxon station and barged in. He was hungry for some delectable burritos, and wasn't in the patient mood. The blue-shirted thief walked up to the cashier, who was a thin, light blue cop.

"Hello, sir. May I help you?" he asked Mobo with a British accent. Mobo looked pretty ticked off by his accent. You could say he was racist, I guess. Because Mobo was both racist and angry, he uppercut the British cop, making his hat (and himself) fall down. Mobo used this opportunity to go to the frozen foods section and pilfered all the El Monterey 24-pack burrito boxes.

The blue thief rushed home, ready for some Mexican delights (and the gas that would inevitably ensue). He ran past Robo, who was crashed out on the couch after a _The Simpsons_ marathon. Mobo yanked open the microwave and popped five burritos in and set it for 2 minutes.

While the southern delicacies were cooking, Mobo popped open a can of RC Cola and took a sip of victory. Just when things were cooking (pun intended), the younger brother heard a knocking on the door. When he opened it, some buffoon dressed in a Nutty Bird costume (the bird from the old RC Cola commercials) greeted Mobo.

"Hi, I'm-"

Mobo slammed the door on him. He wanted none of that crap. At the spur of the moment, the microwave beeped, signaling the beautiful burritos were done. Mobo ecstatically pranced to the kitchen, grabbed the microwave door open, and took the grub out. Unfortunately, the burritos were rather hot, and Mobo needed a way to let them cool faster.

"I've got it!" said Mobo excitedly, and he took out some ice from the freezer and laid it atop the burritos.

"Mom always said I was the smarter one." Mobo told himself as he took the plate to the living room, ready to enjoy the food and some Simpsons action.


	3. Bank Bombing

Robo was up to something. Something bad.

You see, the other day, he had dug under the floor of a small old room in their house and had set a _long_ underground trail of gunpowder to an out-of-town bank, and today was the day he would light the trail. When Mobo asked just what he was doing, Robo told him with an annoyed tone, "I'm blowin' up a bank! Why tha' 'ell do you think I had all this gunpowder for? 4th of July?"

"Oh. Sorry….." Mobo apologized, his hands behind his back as he kicked the ground lightly. Robo sighed and said, "Sorry 'bout the way I said that. I'm just worried this may not go according to plan." Mobo nodded. He knew his big brother was smarter than him, so he shouldn't bother him with this highly complicated scheme.

Mobo decided to cook some burritos to eat, so Robo could concentrate on his bank bombing. The stout thief grabbed the box of El Monterey beef burritos and popped four in the 'wave. He walked out the kitchen and decided to kill some time by watching The Simpsons . It was pretty funny, as he witnessed Homer strangle Bart per usual. Mobo got a good chuckle out of that.

Robo walked in the living room with several armfuls of moneybags. "I did it! We're rich, as per damn usual!" Robo announced proudly, and Mobo did clapped like a kindergartener. "Yayyyyyy!" Mobo squealed, and Robo kissed him on the head.

"D'awwwwwww…" Mobo cooed.


	4. Mental Mobo

Mobo was on the internet, looking for illegal drugs, as per usual on a bright Saturday morning. "God, where the _hell_ is that website called again?!" he said as he slammed his head on the desk. Robo strolled by his younger sibling. "Hey, watcha' up to?" he asked, leaning on the chair. "Looking for drugs? Ahh…you don't need those, man. Just smoke the pot."

"I **need** that heroin!" Mobo screamed as he threw the mouse against the wall, thankfully not making a hole, but ricocheting into his face and breaking his shades. "Consequences." Robo smirked as he left his mentally unstable brother in blue.

Mobo fainted. Serves the guy right.

 _Later that day….._

A purple bomber was leaning against a red car, smoking a cigarette. "Ah, what a bee-youtiful day!" he exclaimed as he raised his arms in the air. A blue cop walked up to him. "Man, you got a lighter? I wanna take a toke." Purple gave him his Ronson Comet lighter.

The blue cop lit his blunt as he thanked the burly bomber. "I wish I was dead." Blue said with a sad tone. "My life is meaningless. All I can do is smoke my life away." Purple rubbed his beard. "Consider becoming an author. I need some new reading material, and I'd gladly pay double for your works."

Blue snapped. "You're right! That's the ticket!" he cheered as he ran off to his house.

Robo pulled up to the local grocery store. He was on a food run to help stabilize his brother's mentality. Robo knew that they were low on burritos and RC Cola, so this was the perfect time to get the goods. When he came in, the blue cop cashiers were gaming on their Game Gears. Perfect opportunity for free goods.

Robo rushed to the frozen foods isle and nabbed several boxes of El Monterey burritos. Then, he hobbled to the sodas section and piled up two big bottles of RC. After that, he dashed out of the store, with nobody tailing behind him.

Mobo was at home, crying on the bed. It happened again. That dream. That _terrifying dream._ Suddenly, Robo broke down the door and magically popped several burritos in the microwave and poured a tall, frozen mug of RC. Mobo saw this and clapped his hands together. His worries were now over.


	5. Booger Bros

Mobo was sitting on the couch, smoking a joint. Robo was beside him, bent over and snorting cocaine. Yes, the two were druggies, but man, what do you expect from these gangsta brothers? Fatniks? No way.

Just as Robo was finishing his 34th coke line today, he heard someone at the door. "I'll get it." said Mobo as he hid his joint. He opened the door, revealing….

"Booger!" announced Boogerman as he proudly swaggered in. However, he saw Robo with a coke mustache, and he shook his head disapprovingly. "You should know better than to snort cocaine!" he criticized with a frown.

Robo shrugged. It was his life, his rules. Boogerman walked into the kitchen and raided the pantry.

"Man, what tha hell are you doin'?" Mobo asked while the superhero dug through. "Got any beans?" asked Boogerman. Mobo replied, "Well, we got sum' bean and cheese burritos…..do 'dose count?"

Boogerman nodded and smiled. "That's the ticket!"

Mobo pulled out several leftover Taco Bell burritos and handed them to Boogerman. "Not much, but take it, homie." Boogerman thanked him and he dashed off, eating and farting all the way.

"I tell ya, a weird-ass fella…." Mobo shook his head. He walked back to the couch, only to find his brother passed out on the floor. Apparently, while Mobo was witnessing Boogerman's raid of the pantry, Robo had snorted 33 more coke lines. Too bad.


	6. Poorboy Pains

Robo and Mobo were on their couch watching television. What type of television? Oh, the late night programs, ones with probably naked people and violence. They really enjoyed that sort of stuff. Mobo took a swig of his RC Cola and said, "Man, we sure have it easy." Robo agreed by giving him a thumbs-up with a non-existent thumb. Just then, the doorbell rang. Robo walked up to answer. A man in rags holding a cup with only a few pennies in it was there. A poorboy, you might say.

"Hey poorboy, you want some dough?" Robo asked mischievously. The poorboy nodded. Robo pulled out several green dollar bills and put them inside the poorboy's cup. "Thanks, friend." the poorboy thanked as he tipped his nonexistent hat and left. Robo shut the door, laughing.

"Ay Mobo, I gave that there po'boy some _Monopoly_ money, ha ha ha ha!" laughed Robo boisterously. Mobo yawned. "Nuthin' that special, bro." he replied. Robo walked back to the couch. Yes, the boys had a stockpile of Monopoly money and had given some to the homeless guy. How brilliant.

Mobo fell asleep. Robo yawned. He hit the hay too.

The next morning, on their couch, they decided to harass some cops. Grabbing a few jars of Nutella, they headed outside. Nearby, they saw a riot shield cop and a tall blue cop conversing. Mobo grabbed a jar of Nutella and threw it at the tall blue cop. The cop saw the offender, but shrugged it off. No need to get mad now.

The riot cop, was, however, more upset. "Hey you! You rotten shitheads tossed that jar of chocolate?" he screamed to the brothers. The brothers shook their heads and hid the jars behind their backs. "Well, you better not cause any more trouble." The riot cop grumbled.

Robo was feeling brave, so he tossed a jar at the riot cop. "AAAARRRGHHH! All right! **THAT'S IT!** " he yelled and came charging at Robo, who sidestepped, making the riot cop land in some foliage. The tall blue cop just stared at the brothers.

Robo and Mobo then beat him to death.


	7. Puzzle & Take Action

The undergrounds of Badville were a lot more complicated and used than someone would think.

Sherlook Homington (the 1P character from Puzzle & Action: Tant-R) was in his dusty and messy underground office, chilling. His feet were on the desk like an automon, his arms were behind his head, and his pipe was in his invisible mouth. Although he had been needing to go through some important papers, he was disinterested in doing so. It had been a busy week. Right when he was about to get up to go to his private bathroom, Watterson (the 2P character & assistant), walked in.

"Sir, there's been another robbery at one of the local banks! The Bonanza Bros., we suspect." he told Sherlook. Sherlook turned his head. "So? They do tons of things each day and we or the cops can never manage to apprehend them. So why bother?"

"Sir, we must keep law and order in this city! It's our jobs!" Watterson explained. Sherlook just nodded his head. "I don't even know _damn_ why we signed up for this in the first place. It's utterly pointless. We're failures and we should just give up."

Watterson looked down. He actually kinda understood what his boss was saying. Then he had an idea.

"Hey! I have an idea! Why don't we just keep the detective garb on and abuse our powers to get what we want?"

"That….actually sounds like a legit idea." Sherlook replied.


	8. Poetic Justice

Sherlook and Watterson were walking through the streets of Badville. Today they would test Watterson's theory of dominance amongst the security force crew. Sherlook looked to his left. A blue cop wearing a feathered cap and red cape was walking to somebody's house carrying a stack of books. It was that guy who was talking to the purple guy in chapter 4. He had just finished writing his newest titles and decided to use the purple guy as a test to see if they were publish-worthy.

"Hey you! Yo! Go get me a sandwich!" Sherlook yelled to the aspiring writer. The writer turned his head to the former detective. "Who the hell do you think you're talking to? _I_ am Luigi Sahini, soon-to-be famous author! I do not appreciate your way of communication towards me."

Watterson facepalmed. "Sir, you must use _force_ to get what you want. Consider shooting him." he explained. Sherlook nodded and pulled out his gun and shot at Luigi's foot. Luigi sidestepped the bullet, dropping his books in the process. To combat this threat, _he_ pulled out his own gun and shot Sherlook's cap off.

Sherlook looked at his bald head, then back at Luigi. "You just shot the hat off of the Badville head of security. You're going to **PAY.** "

Luigi picked up his books and rushed inside the purple bomber's house, locking the door behind him. The purple bomber was on his couch, watching _National Treasure_ on his big flatscreen. Luigi dashed into the living room with the books. "Sir! I've got the books!" he announced. "My name ain't Jason, it's Robert, foo. Anyways, give me the books and I'll look em' over." the bomber said as he was handed the books.

"Also, **THE HEAD OF BADVILLE SECURITY WANTS TO KILL ME!"** Luigi screamed in Robert's face. Robert stared into space for a few seconds, then came up with an idea. "I'll go get my cannon." he said as he walked to his back room. 10 seconds later, he was pulling his cannon with a missile in it.

Luigi opened the door and Robert pulled out his cannon and yelled, "Hey Sherlook! Taste _this,_ **BITCH!** " Sherlook drew his gun towards the bomber, but was blasted away by the BFM. Watterson looked as Sherlook rocketed into the sky. He facepalmed again. "Why can't he do anything right…."


	9. Nutty Bird's Return

Robo and Mobo were in their living room, getting blazed, drinking Mountain Dew, and playing Motor Toon Grand Prix on their PS3.  
Well, actually it was just Mobo, since MTGP required TWO PS1's and TWO TV's to enable Multiplayer, all connected via a Link Cable.  
Back in the day, multiplayer was a gamer's wet dream, but was too complicated and expensive to become a reality. When Mobo was about to finish the race he was on, he heard a knocking at the door.

"I'll get it." said Robo. "Keep on playing your game, buddy." As Robo opened the door, what he saw was a truly terrible sight. At the door, was the same douchebag from Chapter 2 that cosplayed as Nutty Bird. "Collect RC Cola save seals and get pennies!" he exclaimed, raising his hands in the air.  
Robo stared at the nutjob. "What the shit? Pennies are worthless." he said as he folded his arms. 'Nutty Bird' shrugged and walked in uninvited.

"Yo! Wazzup?" Mobo greeted the costumed man as he paused his game and got up. He then stopped and remembered who this person was.  
"Oh rapture sublime!" 'Nutty Bird' shouted as he pulled out a RC Cola bottle and poured the liquid and Mobo. Mobo didn't take this well, and as such he uppercut the bastard like he did to the British, tall, light-blue cop cashier (also from Chapter 2) from the convenience store. 'Nutty Bird' held his costume's chin and ran out,  
sobbing as he did.

"Dumb shit." Mobo grunted as he went back to playing his game. 


	10. Blue Hawaiian

Mobo looked at his watch, which was off by 3 hours. He had been waiting for Robo to come home with tonight's dinner groceries, as he was making fried rice with shrimp. Mobo loved fried rice with shrimp. He just hadn't eaten it in a while.

Just then, Robo bust through the door, with a bag of ingredients in each arm. " _I'm hoooome!_ " he announced with glee as he swaggered to the counter to unload his load (lol repetition). Mobo scurried to his older brother, panting like a puppy as he did so.

"Cut that out!" Robo giggled as he grabbed a spoon and hit Mobo with it. Mobo stopped his animalistic representations of his former mastery collections.

"Tonight, we prepare a delightful dish, one that'll make you shit your pants faster than Sonic the Hedgehog!" Mobo enjoyed long shits on the John. That's why he was orange.

Robo grabbed a wine glass and poured himself a glass of white wine and drank. Being extra tipsy while you prepared dinner was always a blast, not just a blast of 16-bit Blast Processing, no sir!

Robo grabbed his knife and started to cut the onions vigorously, almost cutting his hand of in the process. He threw the pepper mill at his brother, along with the raw shrimp. "Get grinding, bro!"

Mobo did exactly just that, grinding and convulsing until his hands wer' sore with callous. "Jesus, Robo, do we need to use _all_ of the pepper in this mill?" Mobo questioned. "Yes, because if we don't, we'll be blocked up for weeks!" he squealed. Mobo saluted and went on grinding.

Robo was tipsy AF, and as such, he grabbed some cinnamon out from the shelf and tried fruitlessly to chop the grains up. He knew he wouldn't get anywhere, but he was hopeful.

* _RIIING!*_

It was the doorbell. Mobo jumped up to see who it was, and, to his surprise, was Witch (from Puyo Puyo, duh, don't you know anything you freaking moron?!), holding a jar of semen in with her. "Hey, guys. I brought something for you two!"

Robo instantly sobered up and dropped his knife. "God damn it, you're _**hot!**_ " he burst out. Witch blushed. "Awww, it was nothing. I just heard that you were making your Friday special, and knew you were looking for a way to spice it up this weekend."

Mobo took the jar and emptied its contents onto the shrimp, using the hormonal residue as taste enhancers as Witch sat down at the booth-like table. "So, you guys been doing anything interesting lately?" she asked as Mobo stroked her yellowish-blonde hair.

Robo took a hearty swig from the wine bottle. "No, just drinking and playing poker. How about you, been hangin' around with that Arle chick?" he said. "Yeah, just been cuddling her a lot, ever since that science experiment changed her. It makes her easier to do so, and she's a fine blanket, too!" Witch replied.

The red-shirted thieft dumped all his cut-up veggies into the boiling pot and beckoned Mobo to bring the shrimp covered in ejaculation sauce. "Well well, then, how much did Arley have to crank to make this much jizz?" Robo flirtatiously inquired.

"She makes a hefty load, that's for sure." Witch responded. "Reminds me of the time Ernie used his when he was working at Starbucks. *sigh* Those were good times, but alas, his employment was short lived…"

"Either way, his coffee tasted terrible." Mobo said, rather annoyed at the mention of the dynamic children's entertainment duo known as Ernie & Bert.

Robo offered Witch a Blue Hawaiian, which despite being only 13, accepted. It matched her blue hat and dress, she often said. Mobo asked for one, too, but his request was rejected when Robo hit him on the head with the hilt of his kitchen knife.

After 30 minutes of chatter and vaguely sexual words, the trio finally began to eat their meal. Witch seemed to be enjoying the sweet egg-like taste of the spermy shrimp, as were the Bros.

Yes, tonight _was_ rather pleasant.


	11. 1 Year of The Bonanza Bros Show

Robo was contemplating going to Witch's Baby Shower, knowing he'd be sooner or later heralded as the "Dad" of the lump in her baby bump. However, the cocktail of drugs in his bloodstream conjured many demonic hallucinations.

He also knew today was the "1 Year of the Bonanza Bros. Show" and could not contain his laughter at the slaughter of many innocent lives 2 days ago.

Little Billy was thrown down the basement soon afterwards. 


	12. Point Blank Adventures

Dr. Don and Dr. Dan were in the jungle, aiming their Frontier Justices they had bought from the Mann Co. Store, at various animals. They were trying to shoot one of each animal in the jungle, but so far, their efforts had been fruitless as f**k.

" _Goddamn_! The animals are way too fast for our guns!" Dan yelled as he missed the toucan.

However, they didn't know that the Bonanza Bros. were watching them from afar. They were also on the prowl for various specimens of the elusive Maltese tiger, which was rather stupid of them since they weren't in Asia at all. Obviously, they haven't done their homework.

"Look, Mobo. You see those two hooligans?" Robo whispered to Mobo. "Yeah, so?" "So, _they_ are looking for animals and just maybe that Maltese tiger, too." "I doubt it, bro."

Don was counseling Dan on his failure to shoot what was believed to be an indigenous hominid that was from a hidden tribe. Honestly, Dan wasn't changing much. This gave the Bonanzas more time to sneak up on them and plead to join their squad in attempt to catch a discolored cryptid and gain countless royalties from the joint venture.

"Surprise, biyotch!" the Bros. yelled at the Bullet Bros. Don and Dan were unfazed by all this.

"My god, more wannabes that want to take 50% of our profits away from us. Now I'll never get the Strontium Stove Pipe!" Dan cursed as he shook his fist. "I'm going to bust your heads open with my newly acquired Frontier Justice!"

The Bonanza Bros. backed away as Dan stomped ever near them. Don then shouted, "WAIT! Don't kill them! They just wanna help!" Don pulled Dan away.

Robo and Mobo kicked them both in the faces and stole their guns.

"So you still think they want to help?" Dan asked Don sarcastically.

"N-no.." Don said as his face fell flat to the dirt.


	13. Dumbgeons and Dragoons

Arle and Witch were in their house, on their couch. Witch was holding salaciously onto Arle's breast (the one that wasn't covered by her shoulder armor) and squeezed it.

"Hihiihee, quit that! It tickles!" she giggled as Witch squeezed even harder, then letting go. The boob popped back into its original shape. Arle stretched her torso and wrapped herself around Witch, who blushed. "Mmm, soo warm.."

"You like?" Arle asked as she tightened herself.

Robo was staring at all this outside the second story window, on the roof no less. He was a master at voyeurism, and tonight was no pushover.

"My god, that's hot." He said as he put his hand into his groinular region and touched himself. He began to wank quietly but vigorously at the sight of this amateur yuri setup.

Meanwhile, while Robo was being a big-head wanker (G'day), Mobo was engaged in a game of Dragons and Dumbgeons with Ernie, Luigi (not the Mario character), and Robert.

"Okay, since I killed that Feister Warlook, I get 45 XP and 3400G." Ernie declared as he moved his piece to the blacksmith shop. "Fuckin' nonsense!" Mobo shouted as he slammed his fists on the table in rage. "Feister Warlooks only give 25 XP and 1000G!"

"Dude, calm down." Robert said as he put his hand on Mobo's shoulder. Luigi grabbed the dice and rolled. "A snake-eyes! Oh, roll-em-bones!" he grinned and moved his piece to the Dumbgeon of Marvin sa Martin.

"Luigi, you don't have enough Gold to give to the Grootslang gatekeeper! You lose a turn! *Hehehehehe*" Ernie laughed as he handed the poet a "Go Fuck Yourself" card. "Goddammit!" Luigi facepalmed in frustration.

"That means I can battle Marvin!" said Robert as he moved his piece to the Dumbgeon, kicking aside Luigi's as he picked up a battle card. "Use Flame Arrow!" he chanted, Marvin sidestepping the attack.

"Tricky rickey fuck, that Marvin.." Ernie whispered to Mobo. "Yeah, he took all my hookers last time." Mobo replied.

"Ah god! He killed my hero!" Robert gasped as Marvin shot Hugh Mungus the Pimp Barbarian in the ass with his disintegration ray. "He also took all of his gold.

"We really need to establish better game conduct…" Ernie said as Robert fainted.


	14. Luigi's Mistake

Robo was walking down the block with Mobo. They were carrying a big box together. Its contents? 25lbs of pepperoni.

"Robo, *pant* good _god,_ *pant* how much longer do we gotta carry this box?" Mobo asked tiredly. "Another mile." Robo responded.

"Y'know, why couldn't Luigi just *pant* drive up to our house and get *pant* the pepperoni?"

"I honestly do not care. As long as we're getting paid, Mobo, everything will be alright." Robo barked back as they finally reached Luigi's residence. It was a mansion-like house that had books (many of them written by Luigi) on almost every wall, and the walls themselves were a light brown in color.

Over at the ceiling, there hung a chandelier made of Australium. 'For someone living in Badville, they sure have an elegant place…nothing seems to be tampered with!' thought Robo. 'And an Australium chandelier? Holy shit..'

Luigi soon came down the stairs carpeted in red. "Boys! You've finally arrived with the pepperoni!"

The Bros. set down the crate and sat down on the floor. "Sooo, what do you need these for?" asked Mobo while looking at the impressive chandelier.

"I'm going to make…..PIZZA!" Luigi shouted like a banshee and he _somehow_ pushed the crate amazingly fast into the kitchen. He crowbarred the thing open and beckoned the Bros. to join him.

"Today, you will learn the art of _Italian Cookery_ and hopefully cook something that would have Mario screaming, 'Mama mia!'"

Robo and Mobo both looked at each other, and then back at Luigi. "So you're tellin' us that the reward for our hard labor is **not** cash, but how to cook **Italian cuisine?** "

"Yes." Luigi replied.

Robo grabbed a frying pan and smacked Luigi on his skull.


	15. Elan's Introduction

Elan (the 1P Knight from Ichidant-R, FYI) was walking down the pathway that connected the Kingdom of Tanteaurl to Badville. Tanteaurlites seldom visited Badville, mainly because of the high crime rates, and overpriced shit sold at the modern stores.

Elan entered Badville, looking both ways before quietly running behind a corner. He kept doing this again and again, so nobody would notice him. Little did he know that someone did indeed see him.

Robert was behind a wooden bush, looking through binoculars at the blue knight. He secretly lusted for his armor, despite it not being his size. He may outfit his dead grandmother's skeleton with it, though.

"Well, time to buy some expensive crap with my valuable artifacts." Elan said as he approached a smoke shop. The owner was none other than _**TONY SCHWARTZ, TRAVELING BUFF SALESMAN!**_ (Also FYI, he's the P&A Sando-R Original Mode shopkeep )

"Howdy. What can I get ya?" he asked as he flexed his arms while his macho stache raised in unison. "Uhh, yeah, I'm gonna take your finest bong." Tony went into the back as Elan pulled out a gold ingot from inside his armor. It was damp with sweat and grease.

"Here you go, my good man." Tony panted, having taken out a 2ft bong from the back. "Here, take this. It's covered in my bodily secretions, but you can wash gold, right?" Elan offered, handing Tony his ingot.

"It's nothing I've ever seen before, but I suppose this is valuable." The buff shopkeep said as Elan walked out with his bong.

"He's never seen gold? Hmmm." Elan said to himself as he walked back to Tanteaurl. What he didn't realize, though, was that Robert was right behind him with a shiv.

"DROP DEAD, MOTHERFUCKER, I NEED YO' ARMOR!" Robert yelled, almost jabbing Elan in the nose. "What the fuck? I just wanted to carry home my bong undetected!" he sighed.


	16. Helmet Get!

Robert was fairly satisfied with his previous encounter with Elan. He managed to steal his helmet, of all things!

Elan, however, was scarred for life. Never had he witnessed a fat guy with HAIR try to steal his clothes! Nobody (at least of the male gender) he had ever seen had hair, or as beautiful either.

Elan sat in his cave he lived in, scratching his chin. Thankfully, his cave wasn't a far run from Badville (compared to the rest of Tanteaurl, at least), so nobody caught a glimpse of his bald dome. Still, he pondered...WHY would a sexy beast like Robert steal something so special from him.

The blue knight's thoughts were interrupted when a short knight in red walked in. "Depon, what the hell do you want?" Elan burst out as Depon, the 2P Knight of Ichidant-R, stepped back a little.

"Woah...Elan _, what's wrong with ya?!_ " he gasped as he soon realized that Elan was bald. In all the 20-something years they've been together, Elan almost NEVER took off any armor piece, especially his helmet. Taking that off just seemed **wrong.**

"Some bastard took my helmet whilst I was in Badville." Elan grumbled, covering his face in shame. "Well, what did you expect? You'd get away scot-free in a place like Badville? Nonsense, sire..." Depon berated, shaking his head.

"All I wanted to happen was that I get a sufficient bong to smoke my antique weed. I got more than I bargained for, though!"

Depon ignored his bellyaching and marched out. No fat fuck was going to rob his trainer and best friend of dignity.

 _7:34 PM, Outskirts of Badville_

Depon threw off his horse-innertubey-thingy as he approached the apartment. Half-buried into the ground and simultaneously the hill behind was a tall, white, decrepit tower of a living complex, which contrasted greatly with the dark sky and bright moon. He walked up to the door, before he stopped himself. Was it really worth it to wake up this gal just for a helmet, or would he have to shell out 1500G for a new, custom-made helmet?

'No, Elan's my friend and mentor! I must get his helmet that has supported him so!' Depon thought, knocking on the door on impulse. When he realized what he just did, the doors slid open and an elevator appeared. The red knight tiptoed in and hit for the highest floor.

After a good hour, thanks to the rusty elevator innards and shit, Depon finally reached his desired destination.

Inside was a gray, cracked room, with a TV, computer, and a bed. Which happened to contain the person he needed.

"Hey, you. Yeah, you! What're you doing here?" the person said, lying on the bed with a suggestive pose. Depon looked up. White hair, dark gray tank top, white skirt...yep, this is the one.

"Sabitsuki, I presume?"

"Yeah, that's my name. What do you need?" she snapped.

"Well, my friend / mentor got his helmet stolen by a Badvillian man. He's now gonna be a social recluse in his cave unless he gets it back." Depon explained.

Sabitsuki got up and slid on her shoes. Grabbing her pipe, she said,

 _ **"Let's go wreck some assholes."**_

 _9:12 PM, Inner Badville_

Sabitsuki and Depon were at the door of Robert, the Purple Bomber with brown anime FYI, getting ready to break in. Depon readied his axe, as did Sabitsuki.

"Ready?"

"Ready."

 _DOKAN!_

Robert was awoken by the sound of his door being broken. He opened his closet. The cannon...he was ready.

"ALRIGHT, YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE, GIVE BACK THE HELMET BEFORE WE BREAK YOUR SKULL OPEN!" Sabitsuki yelled as the two ran to Robert's room. They were stopped when they bumped into the BFC, tho.

"Ah, the friend of that stupid knight is here, along wit' his girlie!" Rob chuckled as he lit the cannon.

 _"Oh no you don't"_ Sabitsuki murmured as she lunged towards the fat man and smacked him upside the head, his cannon blasting a hole in the roof instead of the Dynamic Duo.

Rob fell over, blood trickling from his head as Sabi stomped it. Depon came out from under the couch since he was a small wuss.

The albino soon found where the helmet was...on the skeleton of Robert's dead grandma's skull. "Well, at least his heart was in the right place..." Sabi grunted, taking the helmet and leaving an Ace of Spades playing card by Bicycle on top of the skelly.

"C'mon, Deppy, I got the helmet." she called out to Depon, who was raiding the fridge. "Oh, hold on, I must steal all of his-" he was cut off by Sabi grabbing him by the arm.

Back in the cave, Elan was most surprised and elated.

"My god...you managed to retrieve my helmet...against indefiable odds...thank you." Elan sniffed happily as he hugged Depon with utmost joy.

"Well, I had some help." Depon replied with a nonexistent smile as he turned to Sabi in the doorway, giving her a thumbs up.

He was met with a smile from Sabi, who thumbed up back.


End file.
